No voids.

I am going to try to close this chapter off but first with an update. First I sinned against God. Not to say that as a proclamation but actually it came as a confirmation. I was not quite convinced that my action had repercussion until God showed me in a dream. I felt so horrible after this dream. The dream had me scared straight if you will but the Lord does not show things to scare but more so to teach and to build a person up. I feel like I can't let anything get in my way and this entire situation has done so. If you recall my previous posts were mainly all about the future and the greatness of God and how everyone should get to know Him. Flashback to say April and whew have things changed. Without trying to seem all over the place let me explain. I began speaking with someone from my past. He has opened my eyes to so many things. Specifically forgiveness. I think that after what was set out to be done had passed he and I took it further than what it should at this particular time. This had become a situation that required baby steps but WE took matters into our own hands. Having said that I positioned myself to receive the revelation that was coming. I had a dream that sums up what God wanted me to know. 1)Disobedience leads to death. The bible says the wages of sin is death and if you are a believer you are for sure not only sinning but being disobedient. 2) God said that WE (he and I) needed to take our troubles to Him and not try to solve them with each other. For myself it was a loneliness like non other. Before I knew it I was consumed with a thirst for companionship which started out seemingly innocent enough but quickly turned into something other than the original plan. For him it was unhappiness and uncertainty. Given I am not so happy about my situation. It is okay to confide in another human being but ultimately the course of our lives are directed by God. Having said that we pretty much tried to solve our issues with each other. Unfortunately God did not reveal to me my friend's specific needs. Which is a good thing because had I known I would have tried to fix them. Which is not what God wants. He wants us to come to Him with all our problems. Both of our situations had reached a boiling point almost simultaneously. Me, tired of the single life and just ready to relax and not work so hard. And I don't care what any feminists says because I am speaking for myself. I am sick of dragging heavy loads of laundry. Or taking out the garbage and cleaning a filthy garbage can. See just writing those sentences have raised my temperature because I feel extremely sad about this. I have to remind myself to be patient but before I know it.... I'm wondering when my turn will come. I hope that I've learned my lesson which is do not take matters into my own hands. Especially since I am very naive and impressionable. That in itself is a whole other subject. I wonder when all my wisdom and understanding will come. Every time I think I've grown a little situations as such remind me of how far I have to go. Luckily I confided in the 'Superstar', who didn't just give the I told you so but broke everything down for me and helped me see the error of my ways. She did not judge me but told me to ask for forgiveness , don't condemn myself but be strong and keep it moving. I thank God that she answered my call and gave me what I needed. I am still a little scared. i don't want something like this to happen again. I pray it doesn't. I just realized how feeble minded I am and that is scary. I am just afraid of going left when I should go right. In the meantime I told my friend what God wants us to do. I am trying my best to do my part and I can only pray for him. Now I'm trying to figure out whether or not I should be disconnected from him. Our bond is very strong. I still don't have the answer. I finished all this craziness with a reading from the Bible. If you ever think about how to live an upright life ..read 1 Peter in its entirety. Pray for me.

Not looking good......

Right now my life is a blank stare. Looking in one direction but going no where in particular. It is so unfortunate when people say "You let the devil use you" It is heart breaking when you hear it from God. That's exactly what happened. I have more question then accusations from the whole scenario. Number one question.... Why am I the one being "used" by the devil? Am I so spiritually mal nourished that I can't see these things coming. I so weak right now cause I think I am weak, I really have this notion in my mind that if I had been a "Seasoned saint" this type of siuation could have easily been avoided. My next question is do I drop everything I am doing because of this mishap? I feel that I don't deserve the opportunity to serve right now. I feel like I need a break. Mostly to mend my heart but also because things should not snap so fast and its making me aware that something is going on. The the thought of the conclusion tears me up inside. The whole thing is horrible. But I am constantly being reminded that this isn't the first nor the last time my feelings will be hurt. So I bundle that with past pain that rears it's ugly head in comparison to new and the fact that I am tired of being blind sided by these woes. This leads to my initial question. What is it that needs to change? I know their is not such things as being perfect for all fall short but it's another thing to know that the current state is not my best. If it were I could accept it but something in my gut is saying I am not suppose be going through this.......Pray for me.