Why?

I make decisions that I pray are right. My mother who loves to have things her way fails to realize that i can make my own decisions. I am not necessarily mad but i really don!t like it when people feel they can be nasty towards me because i want to keep my own peace. Yet they consider me nasty and selfish. Uuuuugh! I am so upset right now. I consider everybody!s feelings and respect their actions even when I do not agree. In return I get ridiculed for absolutely nothing. I so close to snapping off. Just plain ol ridiculousness. I knew i should of went to bible study tonight. Thang! I could have avoided all this mess/drama. It is what it is. I need to move on. I just need to pray for strength and wisdom. That thump you just heard was not me droppijg the keyboard. It was me dropping to my knees. Goodnight.

Back to basics

When did it become so normal to instantly search the web for 'celebrity' updates? My morning consists of 'puncin the clock' checking Essence.com, msn.com, cnn.com, tmz.com, and occasionally the frisky.com. I have realized that I spend a lot of time looking at the 'famous' people and not spending that time wisely and being productive. Throughout the day I check the sites for updates. Then I become so involved in these other people's issues and lifestyles that I become emotionally unstable. I.E. I become mad they cannot get themselves together and are wasting money and are ridiculously egotistic. So to keep my sanity and to focus on important things in my life, I have decided to fast from anything celebrity oriented. I will not look at magazines, I will not visit any 'celebrity gossip' web sites. I will keep it simple and at the end of this 'fast' for reality, I hope to have restored balance and made progress in my own life. Peace.

Year In Review

So, I have been reviewing the year. Some very awesome things have happened. I have to state the most important is the streghtening relationship I have with God. I am happy to know Him. I am glad to know if I am in a bad mood or if I feel tempted to do something I don't need to, I can call on the name of Jesus. I can rebuke the enemy at every turn. I am not saying that everything is peachy but I will keep my head up. The joy of the Lord is my strength! I have noticed that I have learned to handle things differently. I am being a little more patient now and days. I also know what I do not want in a spouse and definitely what I want and deserve. Previously I was so sure of what I have to offer in a marriage but so unsure of what I needed in return. I had to let go the fear that was in me. The fear that said I have to settle. What has replaced it is the fear of being in an actual relationship. It has been such a long time, I've forgoten what it feels like to kiss someone, hold their hand or just spending time having a meeaningful,loving,conversation. I have come to know myself and try to see myself the way God sees me. Wonderfully and Beautifully made. There have been some relationships have ended and all for the better. I give God the glory for the things he has done and for the things he hasn't done yet. I thank him for his Holy Spirit. Without Him who knows where I would be. I could be in jail, dead, and hard as a rock. I would probably be very spiteful and just plain ol bitter. I can said without a doubt that I was in a very dark place. I feel like my eyes weren't even open. I was just being pushed along the way. The way straight to hell1!!!!! Thank God he did not see fit!!!! I am blessed. As the Holidays roll around and that dreadful anniversary that happens to be one of the biggest days of year approaches ,I will celebrate God. I will not focus on the feeling I get as I prepare myself to spend this time without a significant other but I will focus on the anticpoation and rely on God for the works to be done in my life for the next year. "Faith is the substance of things unseen and the evidence of things hoped for." Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I have so many feelings right now. I wish I could just put them in the palm of my hand and place them somewhere until I can deal with them. I know that things are definitely better and everything else that seems to be getting on my last nerves are only distractions. I don't know what to do and I haven't ever felt this way before. This is the year of emotions. The other day someone said there is a time to cry, a time to fight and a time to recover. Well I already cried. Way more than I wanted. Lately the que to cry has been in check. I haven't felt the need to do it uncontrollaby and quite frankly I don't want to. The next time I cry I want it to be for joy. I know for a F A C T..... it is the time to fight. Everything that I have been telling myself in mind has been confirmed. It is time to step out and do what I was made to do. After I finish this good fight I wILL RECOVER. I will recover my strength. I am not in the place were I can easily express myself, as I stated before I have too many thoughts and too many feelings. Hopefully this helps someone this evening. Peace.

Almost forgotten

There are so many things that I can talk about right now but I want to focus on one. Someone I know is having a difficult time with a break up. She began to describe a situation that I was all to familiar with. I couldn't answer her questions because I am still in the dark in regards to my situation. A man claims he loves a woman. Asks her to marry him. No pressure on my end what so ever. I did agree. Wonderful blissful years together. Finished each other sentences,had the same illnesses at the exact same time. Things that when I think about them I smile. Because things were awesome. I was learning to love for real. I was deeply in love for real. I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't. I was loved so much. I experience Harold's Chicken. Beggars Pizza. I was a friggin Queen. Well the empire came tumbling down. The only thing I got was I loved you. I love you. I wish I hadn't done this to you. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am so sorry.You are so great. You make my clothes smell great. You get my shirts so white . You cook my favorite meals. Annnd the was actual sobbing. A normal person would expect a rekindle at this point. But know I am left with a fill in the blank kind of feeling. The door was wide open. You know m. You know us. You know the kind of woman I am. So what's the deal, Why don't you make your move? This is the situation with the young woman currently going through break up. Hers is not so similar, no engagement, and not so many years but the love was real for two of them. The guy basically tells her the same thing my old guy told me. And all I could say to her was honey I can't help you I DON'T KNOW FOR MYSELF.Why is this man telling me all of this but he is not saying what he should. He is not saying let's get back together. She asked me how long it took me to get over it. I said a year but really thing have just come full circle this year. Yep. 2-3 years to get over the so called love of my life. It's not that I didn't want to move one. I couldn't my mind focused on all the good. I mean there were some really good times. But that breakup was HORRIBLE. And it is hard for a person to go from great to bad and there be no in between. I could see if there were huge fights and you can feel it coming. But there weren't and I was completely knocked off my square.

Right now, like as I am writing this, I can say that I feel good. I just did some laundry. I am about to wrap my hair and take a shower. My minds is just not going to sadness. I am happy to report that the Lord did a great job with my heart. I give credit where it is due. No man came along to fill that void. No man came along to distract. It was no one but God. I can only pray that this young lady handles the situation better than I did. It is so hard when you feel sucker punched because that is what happened in both are cases. I may not ever know the deal. Neither will she. I want to. Only two people really know. The man and God. By the time I make it to heaven I hope that I'm so side tracked by all the Glory that I won't need to know what really happened. You all know you wish God could answer the why not and what ifs. Peace. Be prayerful.

IN RESPONSE TO SOME NONSENSE

Unless you have the world's greatest stroke of 'luck' , it is best to get a collegiate degree. I did not finish high school on time and I did not go straight to college like I wanted. I lived my life trying to survive. I want to live my life succeeding. I know that there is something better for me to do with my days on this earth and I want to live life to fullest. I have always had a yearning for education even as a child. I would cry when I had to miss school for doctor's appointments. I was an honor roll student and never had a 'C' until high school and even that made me cry and I was afraid to go home with that 'C'. Somehow I lost my way. But I am finding my way back. I just feel elated when I see myself doing something great. i don't care what others think because they cannot walk in my shoes. They do not know my life nor my story. Education is important to me and I stress that to all the young people I know. Do not fall for the hype that people with degrees are working at McDonalds. If they are they chose to. That may have been their only choice. But guess what, those people weren't working there before these "hard times" and you can bet your last buck that once things "bounce" back they will say arrivederci those french fries.

One of my favor songs is "Get up" by MaryMary. I first heard it on my mother's ring tone. I bought their CD and listened to the full version. I love that song. I really like the beat because it just makes you want to move. The lyrics are what inspire me :

Layin' Low
PRESS'N pause
Sleeping long
Slow motion
Gonna do
Shoulda, coulda, woulda done
Excuses

What are you afraid of?
Don't you know what you're made of?
One of God's greatest creations
Take this invitation now

Get Up
'Cause you can't stop
Get Up
Got a lot to do
24 hours
almost gone
Get Up
Don't sit there
Get Up
If you wanna get there
Clocks don't stop and
Time won't wait

The part in bold is my favorite. Why? Because time won't wait. It just won't. We have to make the best of our time and manage it well.

Half empty or half full?

Sorry I have not posted in a while. I don't want to be random but I want to be effective and original. I have been doing pretty good lately. I am still building my faith. I have had some amazing experiences and I understand when they say Eyes have not seen and ear have not heard. I pray that you experience the same. What's funny is it was just for me. I actually heard the Lord speak to me. Awesome I know. The thing is after it happened I wanted more. Why not? I don't know but if there is a legitmate reason that 's cool by me. For now this DIVA is like kinda hooked (yes I said like kinda I am in a like kinda mood) and waiting for it to happen again. I'm sure that it will happen when I least expect it so now I'm trying to convince myself to chill out. I didn't understand what people meant before but now I do. There is not a feeling that can explain how I felt when I heard it. It was authoritive, and clear as day. As I mentioned before there were things heard and some things seen. I cannot go into to details because I can't quite articulate that experience. Maybe one day I will revisit it.

On another note my Bishop preached the other day. It was so serious. I mean he really went in. I asked for a word and I recieved it instantaneously. To make the situation better I just felt like I was on a whole other level. I literally felt my domnion in God increase. I am a believer. I can do all things through Christ. I am a woman of God that commands respect. I am just AM. I know who I belong to. I know my value. I know that I am grateful that God delivered me from that hot mess I called a life. And to revisit a previous post this IS the Year of Expansion. I thought well I need my finances taken care of. I need a car, a house in my desired location. I knew I need a better relationship with God. Sadly that was the last thing on my list. Now it is a priorty. Like the man with, leporsy his problem was not his illness his problem was sin. My problem was not jsut sin my problem was doubt, rejection, sadness and depression. I felt like I had given and given, been stomped on, forgotten, used and rung out to dry. I felt like the walls were closing in and that wsa life as I knew it. But God knows his child. Called me from out of mess. Taught me a few lessons, some that I feel I could do without but My name is ***** not Alpha nor Omega. I learned and I took it in. I am still learning. I AM BEING DELIVERED as I type this. I could of caught a case. I could of lost my life. I could have risked my life and been dead and gone. The love that I was searching for was right there all along. The thing is I was seeking it from the wrong things and the wrong people. Now I know why I have such a passion for love. I can actually relate the feelings that I have for other people to the Love that God has for me. I wanted so badly for someone to love me the way I loved them. No judgement and unconditional. These people failed me. God never failed me. I feel that He has scooped me up and placed me where I need to be. Undoubtly It can be scary but I CALL ON THE NAME OF JESUS when in need of understanding and patience.


So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6: 31-33

Young Gifted and Black

Some people cringe at the thought and the sight. An African American woman with her voice at a high octave letting expletives flow from lips that smack simultaneously with neck and hips that snap. They think to themselves here we go again. This surely will strike up controversy but I agree that thing called "Angry Black Woman" should be tucked away in every sister. There is a time and a place for it. I can tell you when you shouldn't use it: Do not use when your order is wrong at a restaurant. Do not use it in public to curse out your baby daddy. Do however use it in front of said (baby-daddy) in private if he thinks you are a push over. (I hate the term Baby-Daddy!!!!) So ladies I know that some women misuse this gift. Yes I call it a gift. To me it is. It got me through a lot of situations. I grew up on the West Side and the South side. I had to use it on my way to school. I had to use it against a bully, I use it against weirdo drunks and crack heads who thought it okay to approach an 11 year old. Yup it's a defense mechanism. So please use it appropriately. Til next time stay blessed, I know I am. Hallelujah!

Lead me, Guide me

Must...live....better...life. I am an aunt for the first time. My niece was born on Tuesday evening. 6lbs 10 oz. All natural! I can't wait to see her in person. Road trip!.

Next rule of order. I need to get this out before I forget. I was reading and thinking. And thinking, and thinking (cause thats what I do)....... I am always trying to be a step ahead and I try to plan ahead. It's a habit I AM TRYING DEARLY TO BREAK. In the mist of trouble I had some peace. I, with my crazy self, was trying to figure out how and when God was going to bless me, deliver me and make a way. Now if you knew or could figure out how God was going to bless you, then you wouldn't need Him because you'll go about blessin yourself. That's the conclusion I have drawn. So I am chillin. Physically. Mentally I am still trying to set goals in Jesus name and get myself together so that I will not get in the way of the blessing that's just for me. I am standing strong.

I became an aunt yesterday and I am so excited! I need to book a trip to see my niece asap. She is so cute!!! Now that I am done with that time to get to business. I am handling mine. I have lost everything but my life but Glory to God because I still picked up my bible and read my word. It reads lkiek a really god book and it's like I can't wiat to see what's next. I had to find some translations to clarify somethings but I am amazed by the work God is doing in me. I know it is Him and only Him. Next is I have declared somethings mand I am waiting for them to come through and I know the Lord will do it.

Shaken and not stirred

Step one. Bend your body at you knees. Step two. Bend at your waist. Step three. Get on your face. I made a promise which I intend to keep. I am losing wind as the deadline draws near. Even as I write this text I am doing breathing excercises. It is tough. I hacve to remember that God made a promise to Abraham. Which he kept even when the people acting out and worshipping other gods. I smirk and eternally ask for forgiveness from God for behaving like an Isrealite. God brought them from a long way and they easily forgot. If they didn't have food today they would whine about it forgetting they had done the same three days ago and God provided for them every day. I am handling uncertainty the best way I can seeing that I have turned from my old ways of divising a list and exceuting a plan that will lift my burden or turn it into another burden that hasn't caught up to em yet. I am scared. I am not suppose to be. I did steps 1-3. I left it all there. I knwo that my mind will wander to uncertainty and I might feel a little tight in the chest. But I have to remember that everything will be alright. I can withstand if God is on the inside of me. As long as He is there I am strong. As long as He is with me I am a winner. As long as I am in his presence he will not leave me. My prayer is that I remain in the Lord's presence. That He touches me and pulls me right on through. That Victory comes soon and He will be Glorified. I ask God to prepare me and search me for anytthing not like him. Pray for me.

On your mark.

I found yet another inspirational word from Miss Kelly Chapman.(www.kellychapman.net) . She is a single mother with a student in college. She is also a singer. She can actually really sing. She is terrified of singing. Her latest post titled "Ready,Set,Go!" Describes her singing with Jennifer Hudson and how terrified she was. She described how she regrets not taking the opportunity to sing with her on stage because of her fear. Mind you she knows she can sing. There isn't a doubt about it. She just gets really nervous. But this woman has a gift. And like the Bible says ,God's word does not come back void. He gave her the gift and whenever she uses it she never falls short of giving God the Glory. I began to wonder...... I recently had choir rehearsal on Friday night. First a little history. I have been singing since I was a child. I would run around my grandmother's house pretending I was singing opera. I would find a station on the radio and mimic the singer. I never knew the exact station but I always found it. Everyone would want me to shut up. I remember all the times that my family members would scream for me to be quiet. A few years later I joined the choir at my elementary school. I learned how to sing from my gut and my director was no joke. He was business. We would travel every to sing. My most memorable moment was singing at the Palmer House Hilton in downtown Chicago. To me that place was a world away. Today it's about 20 minutes away. It was glamorous and we sang our little hearts out for a Christmas showcase. Back then I never questioned myself. I simply did what the director expected....for us to give it our all. Mind you I am not the best singer but whenever I put on my robe I felt like I was the greatest. Flash forward 15 years. I am sitting on a pew with only one fellow soprano. Oh I am somewhat cool on the pew. I can convince myself to give it my all. I remember how to pronounce the words, how to hold the note. Come Sunday morning I am a nervous wreck. I kind of break down. I look out into the congregation and I don't want to be there. As a child you couldn't pay me not to sing. I made sure I had those pantyhose (which I dreaded buying for reasons I'll post at a later time) my skirt and my shoes. On Sunday I look into the balcony and hope to get the courage to sing this thing. Yep I have it bad. I don't know where it comes from. It used to be that I could be me and just sing my little heart out. Well my heart's not so little anymore and I just end up feeling out of place. I know I am not the greatest singer. I'm no Kelly Chapman, Aretha Franklin or Patti Labelle. To some it may sound like me screaming a tune. My prayer is that the Lord knows I am trying. Sans the fact I cannot hear myself whatsoever. I stand there hoping I am singing on the right note. After reading her blog I know that I will not be inking any record deals. But what I want is to sing my heart out for the Lord. I want to sing the words correctly and I want to get it right. There is a vision. I want to make sure I do my part to achieve that vision. I'm not trying sing lead but among the great voices that surround me, I want to finish the set knowing I gave it my all. So the next time the Lord's will is that I pass by the organ and make my way to the altar...... I'll set my mark, I'll get ready, and I'll blow! Pray for me saints. You're in my prayers.

Sometimes you want to as my grandmother says" Knock the living daylights
" out of someone. (whatever that means). I don't want it to do it just to be mean but like another thing she would say :It'll hurt me more than it hurts you". I just don't like to see others go down the wrong path. I wish you could see that what I am saying is true and to avoid the big mess that lies ahead. When you know something is oging to happen you feel this unsettling on the inside. I want to but I know that what lies ahead will take at least 10 years off that person's life. I've lost about 7 and I'm sure it will take another 3 for me to even get back on the right track (Lord Hear My Prayer). Well pray for me. I need strenth. Endurance is the word I'm looking for. Anything along those lines....please pray for me. I am yet again on the roller coaster. I don't like this place and I don't know how to tell someone because I am sure they will want to know why I am here. Trust me I know that some of it is me and some of it is straight up the devil. He is so busy. I don't like him. Wish I never knew him and HE NEEDS TO BACK UP OFF OF ME IN JESUS NAME! Yeah, writing is such a great way to get things off your chest. Now he might be laughing but when I am done with him he's gonna see that I am NOTHING TO MESS WITH! I am going to win so many souls for the Lord! I am going to tell people how this fool kept thinking he had me. But I don't negotiate with terrorist. I am already gone and I;m not going back. I belong to the LORD. I am going to tell people to rebuke the mess out of him! I am going to make sure that so many young people avoid this fool at all costs. My God will certainly wrap this thing up. THANK GOD FOR SAVING ME!

Well then.......

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to your own understanding.(Proverbs 3:5) That is all.

So the situation looks bleak. And of course the enemy took the opportunity to make me feel worse. I got used. I didn't like it. I am glad that I REALIZED BUT MAN IT WAS UGLY. See I have to train my thoughts. For years I have had the same thinking. For years I worked diligently at trying to figure things out on my own. In that time I have suffered many disappointments. Disappointments lead to "stinkin thinkin". If you tell yourself impossible, can't do it, it will never happen for over 20 years you will surely have an issue with thought of God being in control and taking care of all your needs. So I slid into the realm of never never land. I will never get out of my situation. I will never be able to survive this situation. And then.....it goes deeper and harder....so you will never get delivered from this? Well you might as well admit you'll never finish school, never get married, never have anymore children since you'll never marry, might as well call it quits....you don't trust God. Yeah it goes beyond that. All because I let myself look at the natural. The natural and logical thought is " yeah this is not going to work". At the end of all that I was emotionally exhausted. It was a roller coaster. I had been going on for months with the optimism that God will take care of everything. I thought I trusted Him to the fullest. Then I was delivered blow after blow. I began to let it settle into my spirit. Where was God? Why is he letting this happen. I even became fed up with putting others needs before my own. I developed this new concept of standing up for myself. Yep I had lost it. But you know what it didn't take me going to a Barnes and Noble to pick up the "Secret" to figure out my problem. I knew exactly what it was. I didn't trust God because The Thinker wanted confirmation so that she could feel good about the world around her. The Thinker wanted to know why these things were happening. If she was praying right. Praising right. Listening right. She needed to know now. Deliverance and blessing now. She forgot about the Lord being her Victory, she forgot about everything that she was standing on previously. So she opened her bible.....went to Matthew, the sixth chapter and the 30Th verse and read.........

Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

It blessed my soul. What did I learn? Pick up the key to the kingdom and receive a blessing and deliverance.

Somethings coming. I have MY thoughts on what it is but of course my thoughts are not God's thoughts. But I know it's coming because my stomach is doing it's own thing and I feel super excited. Yes I said super excited. Hmmmmm. I wonder what it could be? I shall let you know. Anywho my friend is in engaged. No one saw it coming not even her mother but you knwo that has how things are. It funny because everywhere you look there is a commentary on black women not getting married, not able to keep a man. Who said this crap?......the media. Therefore I am weening myself because I cannot seem to find true journalism anywhere. I knwo quite a few people who are getting married and that includes black folks. Some have already married and had beautiful, touching weddings. I am of course excited because I knwo my time will be soon. It's like anticipating eating something and you can almost smell it then you begin to taste it! Oh yeah I am so optimistic. As far as I am concerned things are looking good. Time to set some more goals! After all I need to get that pie!

Another day of mercy and grace saints. I am tired. Getting ready to go home to get some rest. Sleeping mask here I come. Tomorrow is Friday!!!! Shall I make it a three day weekend? Probably not. I want to kick but in sales. Is it bad to want the whole pie; not just a piece of it? Overacheiver? You can say thats me. Think about it, why not give your best, Why not give your all when you have to do it anyway. I'm living so I might as well get the best of this thing. My hope is that we take the time to encourage someone to stay strong, love on themselves and keep their head up. There's nothing wrong with a quiet buble bath, an at home pedicure or a moment of silence to ease the mind. Just remeber to give God a Hallelujah! Live a life of great quality.

The Lord is my banner.

My condolences

So I send my regards to everyone who thought they could tell TKH how to live her life. I send my regards to those who wanted to hold me down and bend to their will. My warmest Regards to those who don't know the Lord but insist that I don't need Him. I send my regards to everyone who told me I cannot do this or that because of this or that. Just to let you know, I can not associate myself with losers.

It is time to live the full potential of the power within. Not some mythical magic. But NONE other than God. I've been keeping myself occupied with the Lord. I am examining myself with a fine tooth comb. I am so grateful to have my heart pricked by God's Word. Shout anyone? See the devil thought he had me but I boldly let him know "Silly Rabbit Tricks are for kids". He is defeated yet again and will always be. I finally found, if you will....a winning team. I'm still a little reserved but I certainly don't feel out of place. The plus is when I am there and the Inner Me begins to question what the heck I'm doing; I close me eyes and imagine being in an empty sanctuary praising God all my lonesome. It feels good. It feels more awesome knowing that the Lord has his hand on me and that I am comforted by His everlasting love. I thank God for revealing things to me about others and myself. I am grateful and believe I have found an earthly father figure. What's funny is I finally realized it on Sunday evening. I am happy I have the guidance that a young woman needs. my real father wherever he is so missing out. I have real women to look up to. I have realized the error of my ways and I am now learning how to conduct myself. I'm not saying I am perfect all of a sudden but I am glad to be making progress. Just as I was told, the enemy may be upset, but I am apart of the Championship Team. Victory at all ends. Victory around every corner and Victory in every aspect.
I received the word regarding my lack of energy or shall I say, dumb spirit. It is time to make moves. Once you get ahold of this thing called Victory you feel like you can do anything you put your mind to. If there is a will there is a way right? I want God's will for my life. Living. Breathing, Praying............Who do I give the Glory .....Jesus!

'Now onto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can ask or think according to the POWER that worketh in us'-Ephesians 3:20

I had such an awesome experience in service last night. If you don't know Him you nee to. I guarantee He is the greatest person to have conversation with. The only one to lean on and the one who will help you in need. Whew! After saying that I feel relief. I am reflecting on a situation that God allowed me to not fall victim to. Yes I am sort of hurt by the whole thing but it was more like a sprinkle instead of a storm. Lord knows I don't need to get myself into any more of those so this time I knew that if he hadn't spoke it to me then I need not to make a move. I did just that! I spent the morning at the gym. Needless to say I'm aching all over. I came home, did a little grocery shopping and now I;m crashing until later. I have not a care in the world at this moment and I am LOVING IT. I learned so much this week. I am avoiding panic mode from all directions. I am happy to let out a sigh of relief. I am going to see Tyler Perry's movie this evening. It's the only thing that seemed interesting. Til Later.

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD

My commute home has changed drastically. I am no longer using the express way and I take the streets. I took a route through Oak Park and realized that I want to eventually settle there. I want to buy a home and raise a family there. It looked so peaceful. I am glad because I do want to leave the city and all the shenanigans that come with it. But there are certain things I like , the museums and the endless entertainment. So I had another ah ha moment and that was it. There are so many other suburbs but this one speaks to me. It will definitely be a challenge to achieve this goal. But somehow I know I will make it. That is unless God has a different plan for me and the person I will do this with.
Bible Study this evening was so awesome. I just love learning new things. When it is a very interesting subject I soak it up like a sponge. I just pray to God to continue to increase my faith. I am beginning to see so many things in a different light. ON Sunday the pastor spoke about living life. Why let your jobs be your everything. Why not live. The job and provided by God but it is certainly not your life. There are so many nuggets that I can't add all at this time but trust me It was great. The bottom line is do what God made you to do. I am doing just that. Because I know that everything I am learning needs to be channeled into a ministry. I AM SO EXCITED about these great things that God is blessing me with. I was told that somethings are going to change and I feel it deep in my soul that it is something I could never have manages. Great is HE. Word of the day God is Awesome!

In you Holy Presence.......

Do you ever get tired of the same people doing the same garbage day in and day out. A man. Doesn't want to get married. Only interested in one thing. Thinks you are a fool and because of stupid women, he is convinced he can get a way with any and everything. I am not the one. But you know what I am not MAD, i AM GLAD. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY. I almost just shouted. You see it is wonderful to know that you have a renewed mind. It is wonderful to know that you are smarter than you have ever been. Genius. I am just happppppy! I could go on and on I've been feeling this way since 7am. I feel like someone I know. Whenever you see this person it's as if he had just woke up in the morning.....and it 9pm. I thought to myself, what can I do to get some of that. First thing came to my mind. Stop worrying. Be obedient and God will handle the rest. Wash Rinse Repeat. I am excite about the things that God is doing in my life. I am grateful for the sanctified people in my life. Lord knows I am. They are a breath of fresh air. They inspire courage. God placed me where I am for a reason. Which brings me to another tune" I REMEMBER THAT THEY WHEN HE SAVED NY SOUL!" I love my life now. I wake up with Joy and I feel like I can conquer. Life as I knew it was nothing compared to now. You knows whats more wonderful I KNOW it will be better. I know the best has yet to come and that is an understatement. I went to Bible Study and came out with yet another renewed mind. Our pastor spoke about the shedding of skin. I feel like I am shedding old though for new layers of thought, conscience and intelligence. A wonderful woman told me not to limit God. That was even more inspiring and right then I lost a layer. Greatness. Much Love to the HJ2 Family. I miss their faces. But like Pastor said expansion can hurt and it certainly moves you out of you comfort zone. I looked forward to seeing Mrs.J getting her praise on. She was one of the first people I took notice to. Then I found out she had a similar situation to mine. I saw how she conducted herself and followed suit. Needless to say it worked out in God's favor. She sang a song I am so Happy Happy Happy......But you know what? It is bittersweet cause they needed to move to a higher level and you cannot knock it cause God's plan is perfect. Blessed is His name. Later.

I know that I know, I know....

My weekend has been very uneventful so far. I know tomorrow will be great. Church service Friday evenng was awesome. It was so easy going and peaceful. I was able to get in tune with my feelings. Which was basically that God has been with me all week. In my last post I wrote how happy I was to have God as my companion. You know what? He did it even greater this week. Of course the enemy didn't like that so he tried to ruin it. But you know the bubble finally csught me and I was just feeling awesome. Regardless of the situation "I will praise the Lord at all times and his praises will continually be in my mouth." God must of told him not today fool, cause I still had my joy. I was taught that as long as I know who I am in God there is no need to have doubt. I know what I am doing is better than anything in the world. I am raising my child in the church and whoever has a problem with it can kick rocks. So I am still me and as Pastor says 'still here', enjoying the days that God is giving me and making sure I am doing what he has called me to do. Later.

I'm a Christian, They just don't get it,

Yesterday was very interesting. I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night. I'd left my television on and there was a program on hosted by this christian couple. The Husband woke me out of his sleeping screaming God wants you to have a renewed mind, a sound heart, a pure my and a right spirit. I said an Amen in my though rolled over and went to sleep. Then he did it again , they were at the end of the program offering a book for sell on the topic. He said even if you don't buy this book go to the Good Book. God truly wants you to have......a sound mind, pure and renewed. I thought to my self okay God I'm listening. No matter what the hour he is there. Shortly later I prepared for worked got in my card and took my commute. After parking my car in the lot. I closed the door and said God lets do it again. Well God was with me all day. When I took a break to read this blog on Essence.com called
"I'm an actress they just don't get it." The young lady was speaking about her birthday and how she never thought that she would feel encouraged due to her recent job loss. But she knew that God had done it for a reason. Her true passion was to act. She began posting verses from he Bible tat gave her encouragement. She kept going and going and going. I was like cool I needed that. Not that I was discouraged but I put those verses n a pocket of mind for retrieval if needed. Later I had a song on mind "Anyway you bless me I'll be satisfied." This was so true because God made it so I didn't focus on shortcomings or tasks that I wanted to achieve but couldn't at that moment. He had my mind in a state of bliss. So much it wasn't rendered by negativity. A couple of hours before the end of my shift I began looking at a new blog on Essence.com It was a middle aged woman who had recently began taking her fellowship to another level. She talked about being scared to do things but remembered that she had to trust God. She talked about how she had stage fright something ugly and whenever she was asked to sing or speak she made herself sick. She had to realize that it was all in her head and that the task was not about he it was about glorifying God. If that was not a message I needed then I don't know what is. I had an Ah Ha moment. I know that it will not happen overnight but I will make sure to remind myself of that every time I am called for something. Well my day finished with a bang. The first lady of our church brought forth the word from God. So what do you think she talked about? A sound mind, a renewed mind and a right spirit. Hm mm where have I heard that before? I thank God for being my companion Yesterday. I pray that we have many more days a such. I don't know how I lived without him before. Later.

The Rebirth of Auto Tune

As I entered the sanctuary the previous evening there were a lot of things on my mind. I felt a little overwhelmed regarding some issues. I ALSO JUST NEEDED THAT SIMPLE PIECE OF MIND. I began clapping my hands and I still could not focus on my praise. So I made up my mind that every time the enemy tried to enter my thoughts I would automatically tune him out and clap my hands louder or shout a little louder. I tried it and it worked. I had comfort at last. What a wonderful friend. Next Evangelist brought forth the word. Each and every time God speaks to me is different. I had been struggling with a particular issue and gave it to God. Of course we expect him to do it right then and there but as I sat it aside He brought it up again. This time with a resolution. It brought me to tears. I cried because I know that I am coming to realize that he is just that close to me. I am never alone even when I think I am. My faith is growing strong. I've said it before but all the issues that I cannot conquer on my own, He will surely do it for me. In due time. The wait is certainly over. I don't have to dwell on it, cause I know it is done. I just need to remind myself whenever the urge to become angry or frustrated surfaces. Til next time.

?Sabes QUE? You know what?

I am such a lame. I listen to great music prefer a beach over Vegas ( Really what's all the hype about Vegas?) I Love watching Medium, Law and Order, Mercy Grey's and Private Practice. I purposely break the rules at work and take a 330p lunch break to watch Jeopardy. I race home to watch Wheel of Fortune and before it's all said and done I watch rerun after rerun of shows I didn't know existed until they were in syndication. Like George Lopez and King of Queens.

I was reading what people have been up to on facebook and I was completely caught off guard by the comments made by our Pastor's wife. She is quite hilarious, yet real. I can see how they make a very good couple there is definitely balance. ANYHOW I WAS SUPPOSE TO GO TO A POETRY SESSION, DIDN'T HAPPEN. For some reason I am not mad about it. I have JOY. Have you ever had been totally fascinated by someone. So much that you made it a point to put them out your thoughts during the day , yet they enter your dreams. Now I'm paranoid because I don't want him to sense that I feel that way. I have to keep my feelings at bay. What's jacked up is that I am totally prepared to go there and so serious. But it is so unlikely. SOOOOOOOO, I will try not to come off as that weirdo that stares at people, that would be a give away. (Is it bad that I know I can't think about him but feel really good after dreaming that we are this power couple?) BTW This man does not belong to anyone.

Still tryna get back........

Just as I speak of the future, the past tries to come back and interrupt the flow. The thing is I'm better equipped now. I know going back is not an option and the past doesn't have nothin on the future. Hah take that! Come with your curve balls baby cause I'm ready. Like the song says I am taking back everything the devil stole from me. Including good sense. I am a freakin soldier. I don't give up and I will not back down!

For my birthday gift to myself I went to the spa and got a massage. It was the most relaxing thing. I was so relaxed afterward. I didn't want to move one bit of my body. I wish I could live there. On my way home I made a stop and caught a glimpse of the news. I had seen the incident earlier in the day when I was doing laundry but the station was spanish and all I saw was crumbled buildings. There was another major earthquake and this time in Chile. It seems to be happening in places that no one would have on their minds. I ask that we pray and we get together what we can to send support to them as well. If anything we must learn that we are all God's children and as a amily we must help each other. Pray for me. (Not on me...you know who you are.) Later.

Still waiting for love to come......

And turn it all around. Sade's new album is really good. I drove to work grooving to it and the new Maxwell. I was thinking about the lyrics and I thought about how I made it through some toughs times. Despite how I felt( The whole I'm never falling in love again spiel) Still, I was picked up and dusted off. Despite the pure evil (cause that's what it was ) I still feel the need to get back in there. What's interesting, is one would think a person who tries the same thing over and over would be mad right? Well the exception to the rule would be love. The point is I still got it. God made me resilient and capable of making it through even when I didn't see pass the issue. (This applies to more than love you know). As of now I'm ready. New chapters. I am excited about the future. I AM OFFICIALLY BACK IN THE RACE. (A little self affirmation if you will.) After all I am always Victoriously Anointed.

I've got sunshine......

I woke up this morning with one thing on my mind. Spending the day with the Lord. I am still contemplating what to where to church but this is normal. I woke up feeling great and grateful. You see God could have not seen it fit for me to wake up this morning. I am glad to be in his favor. I didn't wake up with a hangover, with some strange man or any other crazy thing. I woke up with God on my mind. I'm trying to prepare for this morning's Sunday School and service. To recap the last few days I will simply return to Friday. Friday I was tired from the night before and working almost ten hours at work. You know the enemy tried to tell me to go home and go to sleep. I went to church instead. I was struggling with the situation at work with my ex friend. I am past her but what was still bothering me was the consequences of her lies. I felt that she was too crazy and my try to pull something and then I began to feel kind of angry that everyone seemed to believe her. So in my mind I was trying to figure out how to prove that I was right and she was wrong. I like being right all the time. It;s not that I need their approval but just want them to know that she is wrong. So anyway I continued to dwell on the consequences that people would suddenly be out for me that i could not rust those people and that she would still somehow ho try to take the situation into violence. Which to tell the truth would be something I'm against but if she brought I would go there. Well our speaker for the evening at church was late and evangelist came to address us. She went to the 27th Psalm. Mind you I could recite this at the drop of a dime. I learned it back in the second grade and it had been with me since. But it's funny how I t didn't come to me in this situation. I was thinking of a scripture that would apply. I thought of "Don't touch my anointed..." Still my spirit was not satisfied. As she began I thought to myself "Hmm 27TH Psalm why does that ring a bell?" As she began "The Lord is the strength of my life....." It all came back to me and the tiredness I was feeling didn't matter. I HAD FINALLY GOT IT. The Lord is my strength. I NEED NOT FEAR ANYTHING LET ALONE ANYONE. For my enemies shall fall. Which took it a step further all In have to do is be still. God will sure handle the situation if anything else is needed to be done. What an awesome God. I'm telling you if you don't know you better ask somebody. I didn't formerly ask for a resolution but God knows my heart and he spoke to me and put my mind at rest. Hallelujah.

I've got a dollar.......

Just returned from the ER for a stubbed toe. As if my day wasn't going bad already I am now exhausted and cranky. If somebody looks at me wrong there is gonna be a problem. I came home with only one thing on my mind. Relaxing. I just wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy and chill. While walking down the hall I snagged my toe on a nail. Can someone explain to me why there are nails in hard wood floors? I had to drive myself to the ER. I'm not complaining about that. It was better than taking the bus and paying for a cab back. I'm mad that I had to pay a $100 co pay out of fear of catching an infection. So I sat for three hours for 20 mins worth of treatment. Before my named was called a little three year old took a dollar out of his mom's purse and promptly began singing" I got a dollar. I got a dollar. I got a dollar, hey hey hey hey" Indeed this was the highlight of my day/night. I received treatment and returned home angry that I missed an important deadline over my big toe. Later.

A conversation worth having.....

I learned new thing over the last few days. There is a difference between lonely and alone. Afterall do we not have the Holy Spirit. I had a so so day. I diodn't work but I put in a workout. I went to the gym and was begging God to help me trough the last ten minutes on the treadmill. It wasn't very eventful which was find with me. I was just gratefull to hav eyet another day to get it right. Before starting the day we need to take time to have an importanct conversation. Said conversation: "What are we doing today self?" Response, "The same thing we do everyday.....try to live Holy"

When think of the goodJness of Jesus.....

If there is one person I couldn't live without it would be Jesus. Think about it, when you're not good to yourself he reminds you that he is still there and will pick you up. When you are disobedient he loves you. When you do wrong, know it's wrong , God will still pick you up. If I had a millions dollars it wouldn't be the same without Jesus in my life. As my fellow church member said, "Even in madness, he kept me." Yes, sometimes we do things and we are out of our minds and don't know that God is a keeper. I appreciate Him and who he is in my life. I don't know about this Bounty but God is the "quicker picker upper" Thank you Jesus.

Valentine's Day

Everyone around me is excited about Valentine's Day. The most energy I will be spendng on it is to buy cards for my son to give to his class. I don't want to even leave the house. Just like on all the other holidays I will have to suck it up. Not that I'm about recieving gifts or giving a gift on this particular day, it's just that there isn't a significant person in my life. Someone to actually breakdown and buy a gift for this commecrical holiday. I am not hating just a little lonely. I guess after church I will spend my time running errands. Be patient my dear.

I have a car!!!!!! Now I need a laptop because I can post frequently and as things come mind. Any way.....I have car. I am so happy. I feel so grateful. I fI had received this car sooner I probably wouldn't appreciate it as much. I know that this is only the beginning. I feel as if I need to increase my faith more. I don't want to get to the point where I feel like I have gotten my needs and suddenly my faith isn't as strong. On to to the next plateau. But one thing that has changed, I honestly feel that God is the Almighty. I feel that He can do it all. Previously I was only affirming this with myself. More like meditating. Well the past week has been a busy one. My level of intelligence is slipping. I need a book ASAP. Something that will stimulate my mind. Something that will interest me and teach me something. This is my own fought. I need to increase my studies. This is a dilemma that deserves concentration. Next, a young woman that I called a friend returned to work falsely accusing me of stealing from her. What bothers me is that she doesn't see how wrong she is for lying on me and trying to make me look bad. Maybe she does because I sent her a very polite email requesting that she stops spreading these false rumors and to examine herself. She really got upset and later tried to jeopardize my job. I then went forward to human resources about all the things she had done. I feel as if things should have never escalated to where it had. After all I was the one who borrowed her $500 so that her and her children would not be homeless. But that doesn't bother me. What really gets me is that she is lost and her life could be so much better if she turned it over to Christ. What's interesting is , my pastor just touched on the subject in Bible Study the previous evening. He spoke about so called friends. Now I know this was God talking to me. Just a few hours earlier I was pondering how to speak with her and try to somehow fix our relationship. However less than 24 hours later God told me not to go tht route and what's done is done. I am through with her and I can only forgive her and move on. Speaking of forgiveness my son's father has completely lost hs mind. It has gotten ot the point where I don;t bother engaging in arguments with him. He is who he is and cannot be changed. I don't know if I respect him anymore. Some of the things he does is wuite unnecessary. He has the kind of spirit that seems to want to do right but ends up doing wrong.

since I went there....

The pastors of my church are awesome. I know when I come there I will get the Word someway somehow. Every time I think it doesn't apply to me it does. For that reason and others I have found a place were I can trust that I am truly being fed the Word. I have a point trust me. Anyhow, this one particular service, before I prayed, I wrote down what I was seeking from God. I had the scrambled brain feeling and wanted peace of mind. Along with that I began to feel lost. I couldn't easily decide to go left or right. Do this or do that? I wrote in my book, Peace of mind and Direction. I prayed for it. Soon after praise and worship the pastor came forth with the word. When he was done I felt like I was on top of the world. I received what I needed and more. I want to turn to someone and say I wrote this at the beginning of service. Did he not just preach this? I couldn't believe it. I though all along that I was at that point were my walk in faith was as good as it was going to get. I was so wrong. I received a fresh anointing. Here I was actually believing that this was it. I realized I could go higher. I realized that just as I dream/ meditate (not fantasize) on the holy matrimony it will happen, because that is what I want. I realize as I meditate on teaching a class full of spunky eager little children ,it will happen. I also realize that if I can meditate on a house and car(Please Lord) that I only need to ask. In the meantime. I will love myself, appreciate my CO-OP, love my child and teach him to the best of my ability and I will keep up my studies. If Bob can believe I know I can too. The point is, if I can write on a piece of paper my need, and it was answered in less than 30 minutes, God will surely answer my other requests. Instead of going to God in tears, I need to go to Him with a Thank You for everything he hasn't done because I am being prepared for what he will do.. Keeping my head up. I appreciate my pastor being right with God, he is a great vessel. I absolutely love that I feel like God is talking to me though him. Thanks Pastor Chris. No more "stinkin thinkin".

Penny with a hole in it?

I spent yesterday working the election polls. It is sad that we have lost our interest in politics. I wonder if they wantit that way or if they have truly screwed themselves? Out of everyone in the precinct I worked, only 32 people voted. Well at least Stroger is gone. Anyway I spent over 12 hours with people from all walks of life. I spoke when spoken to and mainly listened. I felt like I was twelve again. (Children are to speak only after being spoken to.) Well I learned, people talk about Jesus alot. I learned that I have a long way to go when it comes to wisdom. I also learned that I should take my time on a lot of things. So anyway, fter that long drawn out day I went to work this morning exhausted. I bought a $3.00 latte for 99cents. Yeah me! I was wired for the first few hours. After dealing with some miserable people I began to become miserable myself. I wanted to cry thinking about progress not being made. I want to know why the opposition is so strong. It's to the point where I want to give up. Last week my pastor said to just pull thorugh and to quit the "stinkin thinkin". Wouldn't it be nice to call him up just for a few words of encouragemnt.

Welcome

This evening is my official release from a day that was insanely crazy and just made me feel frustrated. What will I do to turn it around? Absolutely nothing. I am not going to think of anything else. That is the reason I feel the way I do. There was too much brain processing for one day. It needs a rest and so those the rest of me: ) Time to be still. No more finance wondering, bill pondering and abosuluetly no more pretending to be who I am not. Today I was not a happy person and that means I need to step up my game. 02/01/2010 wasn't a total wash, alas I am still alive! Brand new mercy! 27 days til' that quarter century mark. I don;t expect others to remember or celebrate. But If I make there the celebration will be between me and the Lord. Now I don't know what the Lord has in store, hopefully something big (Hint: Brand New Mercy). As for me and myself we will be chilling, hopefully a weekend full of self love, brand new knowledge and maybe Jamaica.....one more time. The one that demands and the one that answers.