On your mark.

I found yet another inspirational word from Miss Kelly Chapman.(www.kellychapman.net) . She is a single mother with a student in college. She is also a singer. She can actually really sing. She is terrified of singing. Her latest post titled "Ready,Set,Go!" Describes her singing with Jennifer Hudson and how terrified she was. She described how she regrets not taking the opportunity to sing with her on stage because of her fear. Mind you she knows she can sing. There isn't a doubt about it. She just gets really nervous. But this woman has a gift. And like the Bible says ,God's word does not come back void. He gave her the gift and whenever she uses it she never falls short of giving God the Glory. I began to wonder...... I recently had choir rehearsal on Friday night. First a little history. I have been singing since I was a child. I would run around my grandmother's house pretending I was singing opera. I would find a station on the radio and mimic the singer. I never knew the exact station but I always found it. Everyone would want me to shut up. I remember all the times that my family members would scream for me to be quiet. A few years later I joined the choir at my elementary school. I learned how to sing from my gut and my director was no joke. He was business. We would travel every to sing. My most memorable moment was singing at the Palmer House Hilton in downtown Chicago. To me that place was a world away. Today it's about 20 minutes away. It was glamorous and we sang our little hearts out for a Christmas showcase. Back then I never questioned myself. I simply did what the director expected....for us to give it our all. Mind you I am not the best singer but whenever I put on my robe I felt like I was the greatest. Flash forward 15 years. I am sitting on a pew with only one fellow soprano. Oh I am somewhat cool on the pew. I can convince myself to give it my all. I remember how to pronounce the words, how to hold the note. Come Sunday morning I am a nervous wreck. I kind of break down. I look out into the congregation and I don't want to be there. As a child you couldn't pay me not to sing. I made sure I had those pantyhose (which I dreaded buying for reasons I'll post at a later time) my skirt and my shoes. On Sunday I look into the balcony and hope to get the courage to sing this thing. Yep I have it bad. I don't know where it comes from. It used to be that I could be me and just sing my little heart out. Well my heart's not so little anymore and I just end up feeling out of place. I know I am not the greatest singer. I'm no Kelly Chapman, Aretha Franklin or Patti Labelle. To some it may sound like me screaming a tune. My prayer is that the Lord knows I am trying. Sans the fact I cannot hear myself whatsoever. I stand there hoping I am singing on the right note. After reading her blog I know that I will not be inking any record deals. But what I want is to sing my heart out for the Lord. I want to sing the words correctly and I want to get it right. There is a vision. I want to make sure I do my part to achieve that vision. I'm not trying sing lead but among the great voices that surround me, I want to finish the set knowing I gave it my all. So the next time the Lord's will is that I pass by the organ and make my way to the altar...... I'll set my mark, I'll get ready, and I'll blow! Pray for me saints. You're in my prayers.

Sometimes you want to as my grandmother says" Knock the living daylights
" out of someone. (whatever that means). I don't want it to do it just to be mean but like another thing she would say :It'll hurt me more than it hurts you". I just don't like to see others go down the wrong path. I wish you could see that what I am saying is true and to avoid the big mess that lies ahead. When you know something is oging to happen you feel this unsettling on the inside. I want to but I know that what lies ahead will take at least 10 years off that person's life. I've lost about 7 and I'm sure it will take another 3 for me to even get back on the right track (Lord Hear My Prayer). Well pray for me. I need strenth. Endurance is the word I'm looking for. Anything along those lines....please pray for me. I am yet again on the roller coaster. I don't like this place and I don't know how to tell someone because I am sure they will want to know why I am here. Trust me I know that some of it is me and some of it is straight up the devil. He is so busy. I don't like him. Wish I never knew him and HE NEEDS TO BACK UP OFF OF ME IN JESUS NAME! Yeah, writing is such a great way to get things off your chest. Now he might be laughing but when I am done with him he's gonna see that I am NOTHING TO MESS WITH! I am going to win so many souls for the Lord! I am going to tell people how this fool kept thinking he had me. But I don't negotiate with terrorist. I am already gone and I;m not going back. I belong to the LORD. I am going to tell people to rebuke the mess out of him! I am going to make sure that so many young people avoid this fool at all costs. My God will certainly wrap this thing up. THANK GOD FOR SAVING ME!

Well then.......

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to your own understanding.(Proverbs 3:5) That is all.

So the situation looks bleak. And of course the enemy took the opportunity to make me feel worse. I got used. I didn't like it. I am glad that I REALIZED BUT MAN IT WAS UGLY. See I have to train my thoughts. For years I have had the same thinking. For years I worked diligently at trying to figure things out on my own. In that time I have suffered many disappointments. Disappointments lead to "stinkin thinkin". If you tell yourself impossible, can't do it, it will never happen for over 20 years you will surely have an issue with thought of God being in control and taking care of all your needs. So I slid into the realm of never never land. I will never get out of my situation. I will never be able to survive this situation. And then.....it goes deeper and harder....so you will never get delivered from this? Well you might as well admit you'll never finish school, never get married, never have anymore children since you'll never marry, might as well call it quits....you don't trust God. Yeah it goes beyond that. All because I let myself look at the natural. The natural and logical thought is " yeah this is not going to work". At the end of all that I was emotionally exhausted. It was a roller coaster. I had been going on for months with the optimism that God will take care of everything. I thought I trusted Him to the fullest. Then I was delivered blow after blow. I began to let it settle into my spirit. Where was God? Why is he letting this happen. I even became fed up with putting others needs before my own. I developed this new concept of standing up for myself. Yep I had lost it. But you know what it didn't take me going to a Barnes and Noble to pick up the "Secret" to figure out my problem. I knew exactly what it was. I didn't trust God because The Thinker wanted confirmation so that she could feel good about the world around her. The Thinker wanted to know why these things were happening. If she was praying right. Praising right. Listening right. She needed to know now. Deliverance and blessing now. She forgot about the Lord being her Victory, she forgot about everything that she was standing on previously. So she opened her bible.....went to Matthew, the sixth chapter and the 30Th verse and read.........

Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

It blessed my soul. What did I learn? Pick up the key to the kingdom and receive a blessing and deliverance.

Somethings coming. I have MY thoughts on what it is but of course my thoughts are not God's thoughts. But I know it's coming because my stomach is doing it's own thing and I feel super excited. Yes I said super excited. Hmmmmm. I wonder what it could be? I shall let you know. Anywho my friend is in engaged. No one saw it coming not even her mother but you knwo that has how things are. It funny because everywhere you look there is a commentary on black women not getting married, not able to keep a man. Who said this crap?......the media. Therefore I am weening myself because I cannot seem to find true journalism anywhere. I knwo quite a few people who are getting married and that includes black folks. Some have already married and had beautiful, touching weddings. I am of course excited because I knwo my time will be soon. It's like anticipating eating something and you can almost smell it then you begin to taste it! Oh yeah I am so optimistic. As far as I am concerned things are looking good. Time to set some more goals! After all I need to get that pie!