Who am I?

The question is very simple and the answer so complex. Sometimes the question is answered with more questions? What do I do? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? How can I change it? Hmmmmm drink for thought. I cannot answer that question clearly. Recently I have heard two sermons on identity crisis. After the first I was reeled back into my God ordained place. I was going strong. Doing everything I was suppose to do. I mean no point in straying because afterwhile it will be found out that I am not who people think I am nor do I fit the prototype of who I was posing as. Immediately, no matter what I do, eventually I would be found as an imposter. I simply do not belong in the world of sin. But the real question is what do you do when you find the place you know you belong but still feel like an outsider? The thought goes beyond a personal issue it is blatant truth. Feeling like an outside as a believer in a believer's world is nothing to take likely. This I have learned. One week,maybe over a week I was on fire. I mean on fire,fire. So much so that when what came next arrived I was so shocked. I mean it's something when you shock yourself. You learn what you are truly capable of. But I will be honest. To live in sin when you know that it is not your cup of tea....period is downright frightening. As I am in the middle of this, like I have no control, I prayed, I cried I prayed again, I shouted just to see if I still had it. And I do so what is this? Two beasts one body? You here it all the time. Saved on Sunday. Sinner Monday-Saturday. I used to hate it when people say that. Not that it was directed at me. But I can fully understand how something as such comes about. But people in that position don't need scolding they need guidance. Help. A way out. I know Jesus is the way. But faith without works is dead. The desire to get out and the desire to stay in are both overpowered by the desire to do both. So ask this question. How in world does someone know they want to do right but can't quite come full circle? Paul said it best when I do right evil is always present. This isn't over. But my lunch break is. I will continue this thought later. Stay blessed.

Just a reminder

This is bad. Especially since I have been thinking that my heart is healed and I have no damage or baggage, I was free! Right?.......Wrong.

So I get a knot in my stomach and say to myself Lord Please please help me get rid of this. I liken it to residue. When I was a little girl my grandmother would make us scrub the batntub with Ajsx. I hated that stuff. I would scrub my heart out bent over in that tub for thirty minutes. Rinse it. Run the shower on it and proclaim it clean. Grandma would come in bend over swipe the sides with her hands and have white residue on her fingers. Looked clean. But not really clean. Sigh had to clean it again. That's how I feel right now. I thought I was good but emotional scars are apparent. I hate fear. I don't want to be crippled by it. I don't want to scare somebody off. This man calls when he says he will. Calls unexpectedly and most importantly I don't have to chase him. I am not sure if anyone gets where I'm coming from but I am not sitting at home wondering if he's going to call because he will. That is so refreshing. So then you ask...what is your problem? My problem needs to be addressed so I write it here. My problem which I don't think has come full circle needs to be nipped right away.

I am scared of being abandoned. Scared of being rejected. These things swallow me as I try to move in what appears to be a very serious pursuit. All of this is from the aftermath of my last relationship which was three years ago. I feel like I am a really good woman. I feel like I give my best in everything. But having these thoughts is not giving my best. Having these thoughts hinder progression. I know it is a part of my self development but don't want to ruin things in the process. So this issue is present and it is yet another hurtle for me to get over. Sigh, I thought I had gotten over all my emotional issus. But this issue is present for a reason. And rightfully so at this time. Which means it's go time. It's time to decided whether or not I'm going to continue to see what the end is or am I going to crawl into bed and pull the blankets over my eyes. I am not going to get anxious. Not going to get scared. Not going to freak out. Because this person gets a clean slate. He does not deserve to have to deal with the residue. He didn't create it and it's not his job to clean it up. I look to the hills from which comes my help, my help comes from the lord. So in all my ways I acknowledge Him. Even now, to help me because I know this is apparent and I know that God will get the glory out of this. So I pray, God heal my heart, rid these thoughts and feelings from me. Lord I know you have a plan and this negativity is not in it. Wash me and make me clean, in Jesus name, Amen.


I hope all with a similar situation prays this prayer as well. Even if you feel that you have done something to make you feel unworthy God still loves you. He still has His hand on you. His mercy is everlasting and He will see you through. Till next time stay blessed.